The Gnomads

Mystical

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September 27, 2023

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We at Statshoes.com are delighted to bring you this special report. We were lucky to be invited to a hillside home in the heart of Boulder, CO which boasts one of the most active Gnomad colonies in North America.

For a Gnomad colony to thrive, there are a number of environmental factors that must align. Join us as we dive into the intriguing world of the Garden Gnomads!

This is a classic example a Gnomad in his natural habitat. He is proudly displaying his delightful acorn-mushroom nut lantern that is not yet illuminated. Also note the well appointed button up duffle coat, whose Periwinkle Purple color has held up remarkably well, considering he hasn’t taken that thing of in years.

Gnomads spend the majority of their working lives toiling in the household garden. Their social structure hierarchy is quite ironic. Even though they work amongst each other, the Gnomads are in organizational disarray. As each individual spends his day in a frenzied state of extremely high level productivity, the Gnomad incorrectly believes he is contributing to a grand metropolitan schema. In truth, such a reality only exists inside the mind of of the Gnomad. Scholars believe this is attributed to the psychedelic impact of their natural food diet.

A well-meaning Gnomad collects materials that will be used elsewhere in the garden on an entirely meaningless infrastructure project.

A sampling of the fungi that encompasses the diet of the Gnomads. Mushrooms with super slimy film on top are known to be a particular favorite.

The mushrooms are a 2 headed monster. On one hand, it is proven that the chemicals locked within them are what fuel the erratic building of structures. On the other hand, the Gnomads have evolved to exclusively rely on the nutritional attributes of the spores. While the psychedelic effects are temporary, the fact that they snack on them all day means that the minds of the Gnomads are always influenced by the creative chemicals. The cognitive effects of the spores are temporary, but crucial nutrition derived and stored in their fleshy gnome fat will keep them healthy through the entire winter. Similar to a bear gorging on fish and berries before hibernation.

Gnomad taking a late afternoon snooze believing he has earned a well deserved nap, when in fact all he did all day was move a rock pile from one side of the garden, and then move the same rocks to another pile on other side of garden.

Many mistake the word “Gnomad” to be akin to “nomads”, but this is not the case. The colony’s territory does not extend beyond their respective garden. Instead, the word is derived from the behaviors that the Gnomads exibit during work. When they are on the job, they are rather insane and appear to go quite literally “mad”. Thus the Mad in the Gnomad. Further adding to our fascination of the Gnomads is that when the cool Autumn weather arrives, they instinctively shuffle their way into storage shed #B, where they settle into their winter home. It is here that they begin to function on a high mental level. They will spend the cold months coherently planning and engineering construction projects for the upcoming season. And they do it with professional precision.

Blueprint of a railway trestle designed by the Gnomads. Discovered in the winter living quarters of the 4th street garden.

Actual structure built by a Gnomad, based on the drawings, during the following work season.

However, when they emerge from their winter shed, this is where it all goes haywire. As we can see, this ultimately results in erratic, ill conceived construction of incomplete projects that resemble abstract art more than reasonable construction. And this is exactly what makes them so beloved to the garden’s human owner. As each Gnomad feverishly tries to construct civic buildings and complex infrastructure, what actually happens is that they unintentionally create abstract art, leaving the true purpose of the project only beknownst inside the head of the Gnomad that built it. This is precisely what makes having a garden inhabited by Gnomads so desirable. Entire cocktail parties are organized and attended so that guests can peruse the gardens to view the small structures. Everyone in attendance takes turns interpreting what each creation means to them, and then takes guesses as to what in God’s name that crazy ass garden gnome was attempting to build. One such famous fixture resides in an Indianapolis garden, and is widely believed to be an attempt to build a miniature wastewater treatment plant.

A mysterious dongle forged by a hard working, sweat drenched Gnomad.

This Gnomad is notorious for riding around on a turtle, thinking he is the Project Manager. He spends his days barking orders at all the other Gnomads, but never once picking up any sort of tool to do any actual physical work.

Fiddle Gnomad plays a haunting air of garden notes for the other gnomes that are equally oblivious to their surroundings.

Religious minded Gnomad with eyes closed and envisioning a crowd below him, when in fact all the other gnomes are either asleep or laser focused on his own pointless endeavor.

Please turn your attention to the work shoes. Standard issue shoes.

In conclusion, if the Gnomads were deprived of their steady mushroom diet, we can only be left to wonder how successful their engineering projects would turn out. But frankly we don’t really care because nobody wants their lawn torn up to see a 1:50 scale model of a power substation built in it’s place.